Scalpers Can Suck a Chode

Scalpers Can Suck a Chode

Scalpers: they’re barely human. They add nothing. As a parasite, they suck their life from the misery of others. But, in Surat Thani, I took a stand.

Short back story: I love train travel – it’s often a highlight of my trip. There’s something about the rhythmic rocking and the whine of metal. It soothes me – flooding back memories of my orphanage, which, inexplicably, drifted aimlessly aboard an oil drilling platform…but I digress…

Now, a little info on train travel in Thailand…plus some alliteration, evidently.

For starters, you can usually just rock up and book a seat – be it a sleeper or just as human ballast. But, to book online, you have go through a registered agent. There’s a good summary here. The catch: you need to book 60 hrs in advance, pay a fee, then pay again to pick up your tickets at an outlet. Fuck that.

Now, it’s not peak season so I took my chances. I went to the station three hours early, got off the bus, and was stopped by a bloke. He wasn’t friendly, but offered tickets to Bangkok. Ahhh, a scalper, I’d seen this before. I went through the motions. Next, to the counter – but the seats were sold out. How predictably inconvenient. Tumbleweeds on the platform had booked out my carriage.

Call CSI – we’ve got a crime scene.

At this point I had two choices. Option one, be the pragmatist – pay the vig and get on board. Option two, be the ideologue – take a stand and burn a day. Then, surprising even myself, I took the latter. I booked a seat for tomorrow. I know, right? What just happened? I’m militantly rational. Welcome to idealism and the hypocrisy hotel, Mr Evan, can I take your self-righteous coat?

But, y’know, some things are worth standing for. Scalpers are parasites – the pickled spawn of mortgage brokers and recruitment reps. Next time they try to hit you up, send them my way. I’ve got something they can suck the life out of…