Yeah, Nha. Nha Trang is Shit

Yeah, Nha. Nha Trang is Shit

What has flashing lights and smells like cabbage? Now, hold up, I know what you’re thinking. But no, sorry, it’s not a flying salad. Here’s a clue…

This beachside town was set up for Marines – a slice of home where they could relax and unwind, or swim in the sea and let off grenades. You know, just shrapnel and chill. There was booze, whores, and gambling halls – everything a soldier could want.

After visiting, I can hereby say that little has changed. I bet on a shit hole, and was dead on the money. If you’ve been to *anywhere* before, then there’s nothing to see. There’s a token pagoda, some waterfalls, and a rickety night market. All standard issue. The main draw is the beach. And, while ok, it’s hardly unique. Unless, of course, you happen to love cabbage…

Yep. Cossacks. This place is over-run with them. It’s like Stalingrad with sunscreen. So many faces so sneaky and detached. It’s their national expression. I call it the ‘discreet fart in public’ look. Apparently, they took over the port soon after the war, and never have left.

In town itself there’s little to do – unless you plan to Communist party like it’s 1999. I baulked at the mud baths…

Attendant: Welcome, sir. You go in here.

Me: But what happens if I get mud up my Japs eye?

Attendant: (Blank stare)

Me: You know. My Urethra Franklin? R-ES-PE-CT (I point to my crotch)

Attendant: (Glances at security)

A better option is to head south. Bai Dai beach is less crowded, and can sometimes get a wave. Take bus 18 from downtown Nha Trang. But, be patient – it’s as regular as a dog that swallows chewing gum. Board hire is rude at around five bucks an hour. That’s a fair chunk of green. Which reminds me – what does have flashing lights and smells like cabbage? The answer is Nha Trang, dumb ass. Read it through again. It’s as subtle as a Russian.